When I began to think about having my own blog, I read a bit of advice about how to start one, how to keep it going, and how to increase visits to your site. One thing I heard consistently is that one should have a “target” audience. That is, blogs should have a predominant theme—be it parenting, politics, sports, or popular culture.
I knew then I was in trouble. For one thing, my interests vary widely, and the thoughts that rumble through my head, like a runaway circus train, reflect that. And, naturally, those thoughts sometimes end up in my posts. In other words, sometimes it’s the lions that escape from the circus train; sometimes, it’s the clowns. Besides, the blogs I like the best tend to be about a little bit of everything.
But some of you may have noticed that my posts tend to swing in a very wide arc—from happy to homicidal, from touchy-feely to just plain touchy. Perhaps you’ve thought I should rename my blog Dr.Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. Maybe you’ve thought that the menopause I wrote about here was making me a little…moody.
Well, no. My kids and husband will tell you that I’m actually a very even-tempered person (perhaps even to the point of boredom) —not prone to moodiness at all. But clearly, there is a dichotomy here.
Years ago, I used to read the comic Cathy (back when she was a single girl and so was I). Once, describing herself, she said: Brain of a cynic; heart of a Precious Moments figurine. Heh. That’s me. OK, I don’t really care for the Precious Moments figurines, but you get the idea.
Long story short: The past twenty years have been very, very hard. I have no desire to rehash it all here, and I’m sure you have no desire to read it. So, trust me on this: We’ve been rode hard and put up wet.
So, I’m angry. I’m sad. And weary to the bone. And sometimes I veer dangerously close to misanthropy. But somewhere, in the deepest chambers of my heart, is the spirit of a cockeyed optimist. There are so many things in my life to be grateful for. And I am.
Though I am angry at God, I see Him everywhere. Especially in nature, so that explains my sometimes enraptured essays on the natural world. What I’m working on is seeing God in other people. That’s hard for me right now.
I pray every day that God will heal my brokenness. I know He understands and forgives me for my anger. After all, the Kingdom of God is for everyone. Especially the brokenhearted. In Isaiah 61, the prophet speaks of Jesus coming to “bind up the brokenhearted.” In Psalm 34, I am reassured to know that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” And Lord knows, I’m crushed in spirit.
So, please bear with me. Some people drink to deal with pain, some smoke, some take Valium. I write. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter. But always the truth, as I see it. It eases my heart and quiets my mind. Jesus said that the truth will set you free, so my writing has to be honest and true if I’m ever going to loosen these chains that bind my heart. So, for now…I’ll keep ranting. I’ll keep raving. I’ll keep rhapsodizing.
I hope you keep reading.