If you want to see this better, click on it to enlarge it.
(The cartoon above was created by my daughter Ariel aka Lucky Pennies in Microsoft Paint. Now, in case you were thinking, Gosh, that seems kind of mean, well, let me explain. The truth is—I have a large fanny. (Or Gluteus Maximus, if you prefer, with emphasis on the Maximus). That’s just the way it is, no ifs, ands, or…um…buts about it. There’s no getting around it. (I mean, really…there’s no getting around it). So, like Steve Martin making jokes about his huge nose (in one of my favorite movies, Roxanne, a hilarious retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac), I’ve always made jokes about my big rear end. Might as well laugh, because there’s not a darn thing I can do about it. So my family has always been given license to poke gentle and affectionate fun at my derriere. And, yes, they’re laughing with me, not at me. Really, they’ve always been the first ones to boost my confidence by telling me I’m pretty. So, I really don’t mind being the…er…butt of their jokes.)
Recently I heard yet another story about an Idaho man who won big, not just one—but three times—in the state lottery. I always roll my eyes and sigh when I hear those stories because, although I’ve entered any number of contests in my life, I’ve rarely won a thing.
Okay, there was that dozen eggs in the PTA raffle I won when I was six years old. When they called my name, I was nearly beside myself with rapture. I ran up to collect my dozen eggs, then in my excitement, almost tripped and dropped the eggs on the way back to my seat. Yes, you read that right—I was practically apoplectic with ecstasy upon winning a dozen eggs. Sad, but true.
So you can imagine my excitement recently when my daughter Ariel called me with some exciting news: She had won a dozen eggs! No, no…I’m just kidding. Actually, she had won a prize for writing the best definition of “health” at a…what else…health fair at college. She had won….drum roll, please…a Wii! And a Wii Fit!
Yes, it’s true! She broke the family, never-win-anything curse! Even better, she brought the Wii home for fall break. I’d like to tell you that we spent her break communing in nature, discussing deep and profound philosophical insights, feeling one with the universe and all mankind. I’d like to, but I can’t. Because the truth is, when we weren’t out running errands or shopping for things she needed, we were one with our Wii. (Now for any one that might not know, it’s pronounced “wee” and don’t feel bad if you didn’t know because, a year ago, I didn’t either. I pronounced it “why”).
And, oh my, this Wii is just way too much fun. To start with, it was a blast to make the little Beth Mii character (of course, pronounced “Me.”) I could make my Mii as pretty and thin as I wanted to! Never mind that later, after the Wii Fit had weighed me and done my “fitness evaluation,” that the Wii made my Mii fatter. At least my Mii still had that gorgeous hair! Yes, that’s right—the Wii Fit, after it weighs you, will actually change your Mii’s size to match reality. That just amazes me. Sure, it annoys me a little, too, but mostly…it amazes me. Ariel and I made some more little Mii’s—she made Oprah Winfrey and Bill Clinton and I made an Obama Mii. He was really cute.
Anyway, Ariel went back to college Sunday and took her Wii with her. Good thing, too, because if she had left it here, you wouldn’t be reading this post because I wouldn’t have written it because I would still be playing that river bubble game where you float down the river in a giant bubble trying to get to the end, which only happens if you don’t burst your bubble on the rocks or if the bee doesn’t puncture your bubble with its stinger, thus drowning your little Mii. Sadly, my Mii was drowned repeatedly, which, I can assure you, is most unpleasant.
Yep, no doubt about it—I am a woman obsessed. I have a wiikness for Wii, and the only cure is to get one myself or have counseling. Or possibly I could exert my parental authority and tell Ariel of my grave concerns that the Wii might be too much of a distraction from her college coursework, so, regretfully, her father and I think it might be best if she left it here (I would say this, of course, with great gravitas, shaking my head sadly). Or perhaps I could rationalize buying a Wii for Mii—after all the Wii Fit provides obvious health benefits by encouraging people to exercise. Yeah, that’s the ticket. We need a Wii ’cause it’s good for me! Who knows… maybe it could do something for my big backside—tone my tush, give definition to my derriere…
Or…maybe not. That’s probably just a little too much to ask.
(I sincerely apologize for the small print. I have no idea why it came out that way. I tried to change it, but it wouldn’t let me. I’m sorry!)